


“My Dearest Murphy”

by Saints_Dead_Girl



Category: Boondock Saints (Movies)
Genre: All Saints' Day, Brokenhearted Murphy, Brother Feels, Brother/Brother Incest, Brotherly Affection, Brotherly Angst, Brotherly Love, Brothers, Connor died, Left a note for Muphy, M/M, Macmanus Twins - Freeform, Macmanus brothers, Norman Reedus - Freeform, Other, Sean Patrick Flanery - Freeform, Sibling Incest, Sibling Love, Twins, hinted incest
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-26
Updated: 2017-01-26
Packaged: 2018-09-20 02:53:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,703
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9472328
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Saints_Dead_Girl/pseuds/Saints_Dead_Girl





	

**_A Tragic Love Story Between Brothers_ **

Murphy stood outside his apartment door reluctant to open it because he was dreading what he would find on the other side. Or better yet, what he wouldn’t find.

Normally, when he came home he would walk in to find his brother cleaning their weapons or laid out on the couch watching one of his Charlie Bronson movies. “Why there ya are dear brother. Wanna call Rocco and head down to Doc’s?” He can see him sitting up to give him that crooked grin that always grew to a full blown smile when he agreed.

But those days were all over now… There would no longer be the sound of any annoying westerns he’s seen a dozen times over. No drunken fights over who was the older twin and by how much.  No second rosary to hang next to his. No more since his brother was gone, because Connor was dead.

Murphy sighs as he recalls the events that lead to this tragic situation.

It was supposed to be a normal mission. In and out before anyone noticed, but someone tipped off their target that they were after them and they beefed up their security. So when they got there, it was an ambush. They held out as long as they could but in the end they were overwhelmed and captured. They were beaten and tortured beyond belief but managed to escape only for Connor to be shot through the back while they ran for the gate. He didn’t die instantly and they were able to make it back to Doc’s where he desperately tried to patch him up, but it too late. Connor had lost to much blood and died in his arms in that dingy attic.

Murphy pushes down those memories in place of better ones. Ones where Connor was happy and smiling beside him like he should be instead of cold and alone in a box 6 feet under. He thinks of drinking down at Doc’s with all their friends, each time they went to get a new matching tattoo, the day they stepped off the boat thinking America held all the answers. Happy memories. He takes a deep breath before reaching out and turning the nob to open to the door to their… his apartment.

The door’s creak to open seems louder than he remembered but he quickly steps in and locks it shut behind him. Instinct takes over and he pulls off his rosary to hang on the protruding screw next to him. His fingers drag over the cold wall where his brother’s rosary should rest before he forces himself to turn away and face his suddenly larger than before flat.

It’s been a few days since he’s been home but it was just as they had left it that night they headed out. Everything was where it was supposed to be, except for the missing MacManus brother. His throat starts to swell and his eyes burn with tears before he bites his lip to stop from crying. “Don’t do it.” He tells himself. “You start and you won’t stop.” He swallows hard and heads straight for the kitchen corner in search of something to drown his sorrows.

Rummaging through the cupboards he looks for anything that will numb the pain. But as if God were playing a cruel sick joke and rubbing salt in his wounds, the cabinets that were normally stocked with at least 3 big bottles of whiskey or liquor were bare. No longer able to hold back the weeks’ worth of anger and sadness, his emotions boil over and he goes on a rampage.

“GOD DAMN IT!” he yells while knocking their few dishes in to the floor to shatter at his feet. “WHY? Why did you have to take him? Why not me?” He asks God while kicking their small dinner table over. “Why aren’t you here damn it? WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME ALONE!” He starts kicking and punching holes in the small cabinet doors around him while throwing anything and everything he can across the room in his blind rage.

He had kept a brave face for too long. Except for crying that night Connor passed away in his arms, he had been remarkably calm during the funeral and everything else. In-between meeting with the church and funeral planner, he would drink away his pain till he passed out at the bar where he would wake up the next day and start over. Keeping a tight grip on his emotions so not to show the others. Last thing he wanted was for them to think him weak, but now, in the privacy of his and Connors home, the walls he built broke down as did he.

Out of breath and having done as much damage as he can, he drops to his knees on to shatter glass and splintered wood and cries out for his brother. “Connor! Oh god Connor I’m so sorry.” He says holding himself. “Just please come back to me… I can’t do this alone… please Connor…” he sniffles. “Don’t leave me alone…” He sits there rocking back and forth as he thinks about the fact that in their 28 years together they hadn’t been apart longer than a day or two. Now he was suddenly going to have to live the rest of his life alone. “I don’t know if I can do it Conn… I need you…”

Murphy slowly wipes his face clean and carefully stands up to head to their room. He needed his brother more then he needed the air in his lungs or the food in his belly. Needless to say he would gladly give up both to have just one more minute with him but mostly he needed to hear him sooth him like when they were kids. Have his hands run through his hair as he held him and told him everything was going to be okay. He just needed to feel close to him again.

When he makes it to their room, he steps over to his brother’s side and pulls open Connor drawer to pull out one of his shirts. They had the same exact clothes but his weren’t marked with his brother’s scent. Holding it up to his face he inhales deeply trying to drown himself with his brother’s musk till his lungs ache for release. While slowly exhaling and letting the shirt fall from his face, he opens his eyes and sees something shinny under the rest of the shirts.

With a tip of his head he drops the shirt to reach in and pull it out to see it’s a flask. He gives it a little shake and hears something sloshing around inside. Without a second thought he opens it and turns it up to drink whatever it is Connor has stashed. It burns and tastes familiar but he doesn’t care to ask what it is as he chugs the whole thing in just a few gulps.

With a satisfied hiss he looks down at the now empty flask and wonders why his brother had it hidden. As he examines its smooth and shiny surface, he spots something else tucked away in his brother’s shirt drawer. He sets the flask on the top of the dresser and pulls at the small white corner he sees peeking out from under the clothes. When he’s freed the item, he sees it’s an envelope sealed with tape and his name written in his brother’s hand writing.

Murphy’s knees start to shake as he holds the envelope in his hands and just stares at it dumbly. When his legs finely give underneath him, he falls to land on the edge of his brothers bed. He traces over his name as his mind raced with the possibilities of what could be hidden inside it’s small folded self. Flipping it over he carefully peals back the tape and opens it to see what his brother has left him.

He pulls out a folded piece of paper and drops the envelope on the bed mindlessly while flipping the paper around in his hand to find it’s opening. After unfolding it, he notices is that it’s hand written a letter. A long one… It took up a whole page and half another with just a couple of likes to spare on the second page. So without a moment to waste, Murphy grips each side of the letter to start reading.

_“My Dearest Murphy,_

_If you are reading this then you’ve either been digging around in my shit again, or I’m dead.”_

Murphy grits his teeth as he instantly knows what kind of letter this is gonna be. He feels his emotions start to bubble up with him again but he forces himself to keep reading.

_“If it’s the first reason, then fold this up and put it back right now… I’m serious, put it back! If it’s the other reason, then I guess right now you’re wondering why I wrote this. Well it’s because I know you. I know that if something has happened to me then you’ve probably destroyed anything with in your reach and now you’ve come in here looking for something to help calm you down. I bet you took to laying in my bed or smelling my shirts. Not that I blame you, I smell amazing.”_

Murphy chuckles and sniffs back his tears _._

_“But it’s not going to help you but maybe this will. If you keep looking in my drawer, you’ll find a flask full of your favorite whiskey. As you drink it, I just want you to know I’ve wrote this note many times over trying to get it right. So I can only hope that by the time you’re forced to read it, I’ve made it perfect and portrait my thoughts and feeling adequately... So here it goes._

_Whatever happened… Whatever lead to my death and to you here reading this, just know it’s not your fault and that everything will be okay… I wish I could be there to tell you this in person but I can’t... Just please never forget I love you and always will, even in death you will be my heart. My whole heart. I never said anything while I was alive but I harbored some no doubt less than acceptable feelings toward you. Seeing as we are not only brothers but twins and on top of that wanted felons, I felt it best not to add my feeling in to the mix. But if I’m gone then you should know the truth about them and me...”_

Murphy’s breath is caught in his throat and he’s on the edge of his seat as he keeps reading _._

_“First let me start off by saying that I treasured every minute we had together. As far back as I can remember there was never a dull moment between us. But sometime before we came to America, I noticed I had a deeper love for you than a brother should have. Every time I said I loved you it was the truth but also a lie. I loved you but it’s wasn’t as simple as that. It would have been better to say that I adored you. You were everything to me and no matter what happened, I knew as long as I had you by my side I could face whatever it was. I wish I had the balls to have told you this face to face, but the fear that you would be disgusted by me was to great so I kept it buried for all those years but that doesn’t matter now… What matters is that you know that I not only loved you, but I was **IN** love with you.”_

Murphy feels his heart leap from his chest and his stomach twist in a nervous bundle. His whole world has just shattered around him with his brother’s death and now this. While he knows he should feel disgusted like Connor said, he can’t help but feel… heart broken. Why didn’t Connor tell him…

_“Please don’t be mad at me for have keeping something like this from you but it’s true. I love you in an impure way. I lust after my own flesh and blood and the guilt of it eats at me every day. How could I have let myself become so corrupt? I tried to put a stop to it, I prayed every day that these feelings would just go away but every morning I woke up to be greeted by your beautiful smile, then would be held in your arms from in one of our brotherly embraces, and after seeing the sides of you I hope you never show another living soul, I found that I couldn’t fight it. You are my brother, my twin, and I wanted you as my lover. Yet I knew I could never cross that line and risk your eternal soul for my own selfish needs. Add to that, the chance that you would have rejected me and everything we were would have been ruined was too great. So I swallowed my feelings and kept quiet and for that, I am sorry… It just wasn’t worth it._

_So, if you’ve read all this and I’m still alive, then I hope you don’t hate me. Even if you do, it’s your own fault for not putting it back like I told you, but if I’m not… Then just remember the good times. Don’t dwell on anything I’ve written other than the fact that I love you, that you had, and will always have my heart. Whether I’m alive or dead, I will watch over you. So with that being said, no matter how hard it might seem please, for me, stay strong and live your life to the fullest until the day we can meet again._

_Forever yours in mind, body, and soul,_

_Connor”_

That was it… Murphy had finished the note and not knowing it was even possible, felt worse than before. He was frozen there in a trance as he scanned over the words for a second, then third, and finely a fourth time before he finely snapped free and unknowingly opened the floodgates. Connor LOVED him and he… loved Connor…

“Oh God!” He gasps finely coming to terms with his own denied feelings. “Oh God! Oh Connor! Why didn’t you tell me?” He yells at the note he’s let drop to the floor like it would change the words written on it to answer his question. “Why! Why didn’t ya fucking tell me!” he slams his fists down on the mattress only to hear an odd crunching sound from the envelope under his fist.

Slowly all the rage and emotion disappear from him as he realizes there was something else stashed away in the envelope. He carefully picks it up and tips it to dump out whatever it was he had missed when removing the letter. Giving the envelope a little shake, a small slightly crinkled photo flutters out and in to his lap. It lands face down showing a secret message written on the back.

                “I love you Murphy! Forever and Always.”

Murphy sucks in a pained breath and lets the empty envelope slip from his hand. Hesitantly, he reaches to pick up the picture and flip it over to see the hidden image. There in his hand was the last picture he and Connor had ever taken together. It was taken at Doc’s bar sometime before their life of crime ever started. He had his arm draped over Connor’s shoulder playfully, while Connor practically wrapped himself, arms and legs, around him.

It’s only been a week since Connor’s death, and longer since he’s seen that smile. He’d been avoiding looking at any of the few photos they had to avoid breaking down, but now he sat there crying like a baby. “Damn it Connor…” He whispers while holding the picture close to his heart and falling back to lay down on Connor’s bed. “I love you too.” Pulling the picture up to his face, he kisses his brother’s smiling face. “I love you too.”


End file.
